Setting Boundaries: How, Why, and What to Expect

You may identify with this - my family dynamics were complicated before the 45th president took office. 

There were marriages, divorces, court battles, and pervasive verbal, psychological, emotional, and financial abuses perpetrated by many of the men in my family.

Growing up in that environment, I understood that these behaviors were not “normal,” but it was my normal, and I did not know how to escape it.

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I often coped by shutting myself in my room and reading book after book on my shelf, making elaborate color-coded notecards for vocabulary terms just to drag out my homework time, and created what people now call a “vision board” on the bulletin board above my desk.

But this board wasn’t photos of my greatest hopes and dreams - it was simply things that made me happy. I surrounded myself with images that evoked happiness, so I could feel that emotion.

I cut out magazine photos of tropical islands, tacked up mini Hershey’s bar wrappers, and tags from my favorite clothes.

I coped by removing myself from my own life, and distracting with a collection of images to take my brain out of my body to another place. 

Let me be clear - I don’t want that for you. 

I leaned on escapism because I felt I had no other options for the survival of my happiness. But, it took years of undoing this coping skill before I could actually enjoy any good moment that I was in.

I learned to be anywhere else than where I was - and sometimes that was not what I wanted. 

It was not until I landed on the black pleather futon of my first great therapist who I call KK, that I was slapped with a gift of reality.

I was shaking and crying, and pretending to not shake and cry, when describing my feelings of having no control over my life. I was planning to “wait it out” a few more years until I could go to college. I was planning to stay shut off for 3 more years.

My therapist (miracle-worker human), looked at me and said, “Have you thought of setting some boundaries?” 

I looked at her with a mix of anger and curiosity. “What in the hell kind of unicorn shit is this lady talking about...has she not heard me over our last 5 sessions?” I had to go to my dad’s house, it was in the court papers (not that the court invited me to have a say). 

Likely sensing my confusion and internal boiling thoughts, she said, “Why don’t you try not answering the phone every time he calls? Or drive to his apartment instead of letting him pick you up, so you feel more secure in having an out?”

Holy. What. 

I had been so steeped in the narrative that I did not matter - that I had no choices - that I could not recognize even small boundaries that I could create.

To this day, this is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given (and my boyfriend gave me a printer one Christmas, so I know good gifts - that was a silly joke, you can laugh). 

That was 2009ish. I can now look around and see the beautiful, sturdy, unquestioning boundaries that let in only what I allow. 

Lessons Learned from Designing Firm Boundaries 

As you likely know from experience, designing boundaries is not an easy task. It comes with second-guessing yourself, a lot. "Am I being dramatic?" "What if I tell this person I can no longer have them in my life, and they come back in a few weeks or months healed?" "Will I feel stupid for drawing a boundary?"

This second guessing can be frustrating, but I'm here to tell you it's actually a good thing. If you're working on setting boundaries and second-guessing yourself, it means you are thinking through all of your potential options and outcomes - which effectively means you are not being dramatic or impulsive in your choices.

You are being considerate, by considering all "what-ifs."

I've said it before and I'll say it again - at the end of the day, you are in charge of protecting your happy.

So if you find yourself running in thought-circles and feeling unable to begin boundary setting, maybe these insights below will help.

People will test your boundaries

Those who are experiencing your boundaries for the first time, who expected you to let them continue to abuse and harass you, will not be pleased.

Hold these lines firmly, they are for you. 

You did not fail - You need to rest, and rebuild

If you become exhausted from the building, designing, and maintaining of your new boundaries and they fall, you didn’t fail.

There were many times when I was learning to design my own life and determining what I would allow within my boundaries, that I gave in because I was exhausted, or the attack on my boundaries was too much.

You are learning to construct a sturdy structure on your own, and it is heavy work.

You did not fail, pick up your fallen bricks and keep going (or better yet throw that metaphorical brick at that A-hole who is not respecting you...just kidding please don't do that). 

Your actions may inspire others

It's no secret that setting boundaries takes a ton of work, not to mention courage. By building and enforcing your boundaries, you may inspire others who needed the example.

I have not been quiet about my experience, and others have heard me.

You may be just the person to indirectly communicate the life-shaking question my therapist once asked me: “Have you thought of setting some boundaries?”

One beautiful consequence of leading by example, is the potential to inspire someone else to do just that. 

You may lose people

It is possible you lose people when you design your boundaries.

To be clear, you will lose the people who do not respect you or themselves enough to value boundaries.

This is both painful and healing - there’s no other way to say it. 

You will be uncertain

You will second guess yourself, a lot.

When you grow up in an environment without boundaries, or with people who behave abusively and blame others, you will struggle to maintain the perspective that boundaries are good for you.

It is hard to be a trailblazer in designing your life, but that does not mean it isn’t worth it.

When you feel confused or uncertain, seek out the stories of others who have been where you are. This is the best way to gain perspective from outside your situation, and feel mentally back on track. 

Sit with your goals and realign with your vision for the future, then lay that next brick.

It's okay to start small

Boundaries do not always have to be active.

I went on the defensive at first, to protect my own mental health.

You can start by not answering phone calls or text messages - right away or at all.

You can say you are unavailable if you do not want to see someone.

You can practice shifting someone else's perspective of you by making the decisions. (Invasive person: “Why don’t I pick you up at 5:00 for dinner at my place?” You: “I am not available then, but I can certainly drive to meet you for dinner at 6:00 at that restaurant across the street.”).

You have more control than you may currently see, and it takes practice to reframe. 

Where to Start When Setting Boundaries

Setting and building boundaries is a continued effort - it’s not the quick fix that I wish it were. It took me years to even understand that I was capable of designing boundaries, let alone identify where I needed them.

Here are some tips from reflecting back on my experience:

Spend time reflecting on your thoughts

What is your self talk like?

Where did these thoughts come from? For example, if you find yourself constantly thinking, “I suck, I’m not interesting, I can’t do anything,” write these down, and reflect on where they might be coming from.

Also just to be clear: You do not suck, you are interesting, and you can do everything.

Identify your wants, and outline what isn't working

Take some time to reflect on what your ideal life would look like, and what is it about your right-now life that is not working.

Ask yourself, "What am I currently doing that is making me feel crappy? Am I making myself too available for someone who does not respect me? How can I draw a line to start deciding when I want to be available?"

Determining what I wanted, after years of resigning my wants to others, was one of the most difficult steps.

Sometimes reflecting first on what is not working, can help you determine what could work for you. 

Things may get difficult, but you can hold your line

As I mentioned, there will be people who do not respect your boundaries. Sometimes it may be necessary to hold your line and reiterate to your boundary violator that you are serious, and respect is a nonnegotiable.

After enduring threatening emails, YouTube videos, and letters (After blocking the person’s phone number, responding to emails with “stop contacting me,” or not responding at all) the non-respectful person in my life showed up at my work.

I then had to make one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, and formally document the abuse by filing for a civil protection order with the domestic relations court.

It was hell and I lost.

But I held my line, and I will continue to hold my line. 

Takeaways for Building Sturdy Boundaries

I think we all know, boundary setting is not easy. It's also not easy to endure crappy relationships, that make you feel crappy.

Remember to start small, and if (when) it gets hard, also remember why you needed to design a boundary in the first place.

Yours in designing boundaries that let in only the good,

Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia

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