Imposter Syndrome: What it is and How to Beat it
If you've found your way to this article, I can only guess that you've heard the term "Imposter Syndrome," also known as Imposter Complex or Imposter Phenomenon, and you're desperate for a clear answer on how to show it the door. (Exit this way please, thank you and good day).
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If you're somewhat familiar with the term, but are looking for a refresher (or if you've never heard of it at all!), here it goes: Imposter Syndrome is a mindset or "gut feeling" that you don't actually know everything you claim to know, or you're somehow just "faking it."
It does not care how many degrees are hanging on your wall, how productive you are, or how many coworkers come to you with a question before anyone else.
It is a sneaky and pervasive feeling that all of your achievements can be qualified in some way.
"I only got an A+ in that class because I had a really great teacher."
"I have a degree, sure, but I'm very new to the field so I don't really know ____ that well."
"Yes, I would love to design that training, but ____ really knows more about ___ than I do."
"I'm not a true expert in ____ because I didn't go to school for it."
You get the idea. Maybe you've even had these thoughts yourself. Let's start with this fact: Imposter Syndrome is a "syndrome," "complex," or "phenomenon," because it is something you believe or a feeling you embody.
It's not called, "Imposter Identifier" or something that automatically equals truth!
It is an experience and it is not only inaccurate, but it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This means that when you feel like an imposter, you're more likely to behave that way ("Shouldn't ___ lead the meeting? I don't feel like I know enough about ___.").
So, because you are then not racking up new experiences and learning by doing, you don't grow, and you continue feeling fraudulent in your knowledge or expertise.
Don’t self-reject!
Imposter thoughts lead to a sneaky cycle that we're here to break!
How Imposter Syndrome Can Show Up in Your Life
As you might know if you're a frequent reader of the blog, I am a licensed School Psychologist. I actually have three licenses - two states and one national - and just as many degrees. And you guessed it - I still experience Imposter Syndrome.
Luckily, in the age of the internet, I quickly found a name for what I was experiencing. I followed all the related Instagram accounts and made a list of all the books on the topic that I could find and read several in a few months (Scroll to the bottom of this post for links to the books that helped me!).
I also discovered that my particular brand of Imposter Syndrome was also tightly woven with feminist complexes and internalized oppression.
It has been a nasty bit to untangle. Not unlike finding three Claire's necklaces knotted to oblivion at the bottom of your jewelry box.
So then I also followed all the Instagram accounts and got all the books I could find on feminism too (These books are also linked at the end of this post - they're fab and will make you feel SO seen).
The quick summary is: No one is immune to experiencing Imposter Syndrome.
No level of achievement can tick the box marked "Desired level of self esteem."
Unfortunately, you've gotta do the work.
Fortunately, you are totally capable of doing the work.
How to Build Yourself Up and Lean into Lifelong Learning
By the time you're of working age, you've been exposed to (and likely internalized - consciously or unconsciously) approximately 7 gazillion societal messages. (Google it, it's science).
But in all seriousness, it should not come as a surprise that some of the things we "learned" were just constant background messages or "vibes" we felt when entering certain rooms that lead our brains to think that ___ equals ___.
"Everyone stared at me when I said I want to be an engineer....maybe girls don't do engineering?"
It's also no secret that some paths that go against what society tells us is okay are harder. But just because one path is harder, does not mean it won't be completely fulfilling.
Check out this living example, Keiana Cave the chemist. Girl is working on bringing hormone-free birth control to the market.
She's not only fighting massive pharmaceutical interests (A.K.A. threatening the money of rich white men), she's also battling sexism - which is a GINORMOUS waste of her time and brainspace.
Like I said, she's a chemist, and in her own words she says that she "doesn't look like Einstein," but why on Earth would that be a prerequisite for accomplishing amazing things?
Because for a time, it was.
White guys have done the things, in the foreground, since always.
But women have crushed it in the background since forever.
Imposter Syndrome thrives when we internalize societal messages, and feel like the exception to the rule. It's like trying to train your bangs to lay one way, when society (your cowlick) says that's not how it should be.
But, do not be discouraged!
You can have incredible bangs (a career you love!) even if it is outside of the very limiting norm.
Start by surrounding yourself with stories from others who have also trained their bangs to lay that same way (have become chemists, engineers, authors, professors) and your Imposter Syndrome will have no place in you to manifest.
Of course, it is way more complicated than that, because we are dealing with career aspirations and internalized messed up senses of self.
For example, I'm a school psychologist who is also a mental wellness blogger.
There have been people who have asked me, with genuine curiosity, why I blog if I already "have a career."
That question itself is a result of societal expectations - that you get a career and then you do the thing and....that's it.
But my career does not always allow me to be creative, and I want to be creative.
So I do what I do how I do it.
Advice to Beat Imposter Syndrome
My advice is based on a healthy mix of personal experience, and the knowledgeable advice of others. Here's the good stuff I've gathered:
Sit with your feelings
Write down where these fraudulent feelings may have come from. Your parents? Your boss? That dude on the train who gives unsolicited opinions while you're clearly reading a book? You can't really know why until you know where.
Write it down to gain perspective
Write down how your imposter feelings are affecting you.
My red flag was crankiness - I privately felt like people were not giving me a chance to be good at what I was trained to do, but really I put myself into a box and played the blame game.
I did not ask to take on more, I was simply upset people didn't think highly enough to ask me to do more. Then I felt like I wasn't good enough, and why would I think I could take on more? You get the idea.
Sometimes when you see your thoughts on paper, you realize how far off they are from reality, and you can more easily toss them over a metaphorical cliff.
Get comfortable making yourself uncomfortable
Get comfortable saying things like, "That's a really great question, thank you for asking me. I'm going to sit with it and reach back out to you when I have some time to give it more thought."
You DO NOT have to have all the answers. Why? Because NOBODY DOES.
You are not a fraud because you don't know something.
You just haven't learned the thing yet.
So give yourself a wide open expansive endless field of grace, and enjoy the learning curve.
Thoughts to Ponder While You Battle Imposter Complex
Challenging unsubstantiated thoughts was a favorite activity that one of my therapists frequently had me do.
Here is an example: You see your friend walking down the hallway. It's just the two of you. You smile and wave, but she stares ahead and keeps walking. She passes you, without responding to your hello at all.
So, what happened?
Well in my brain what happened was this: “She obviously is mad at me for something. Someone told her a lie about me that she believed and now she hates me for something I didn't even do or say - now I need to find out what the lie was and convince her it wasn't true. She doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because I didn't take the time to straighten my hair today and I look awful. Did I forget to pass the ball to her in soccer practice yesterday? Oh wait no, did I forget to bring something to school that I said I would?”
What could have also happened (thank you, therapist) was this: Your friend was up all night listening to her parents fight, and she can't stop thinking about how her dad said the word, "divorce" - she didn't notice there was anyone in the hall, let alone her friend. She didn't want you to see her because she was walking to the office after being sent out of class for a dress code violation, and she was embarrassed. She thought you were mad at her and avoided your eye contact and so she didn't see you wave.
Is it more clear now how our brains can write the story?
Your brain is looking for a way to interpret the world around you. It already has absorbed lots of inaccurate information from societal expectations, norms, and your own internal comfort level in any given situation.
But ___ does not always equal ___.
Just because you feel nervous, does not mean you are unprepared or incompetent.
Just because someone stared at you when you said you wanted to be an engineer, doesn't mean they had any opinion about your career aspirations whatsoever. And maybe they did? And maybe they're an asshat.
You are a People
I couldn't leave you without one more brain-bending exercise to challenge imposter thoughts. Let's get to it!
So, you want to write a book?
So, you want to run a marathon?
So, you want to be an entrepreneur?
Who writes books?
Who runs marathons?
Who becomes entrepreneurs?
People.
Are you a people?
Do the thing, and don't look back.
Awesome Resources to Challenge Imposter Thoughts
Mai Kee Tsang - Host of the Quiet Rebels Podcast, has a great episode about the Imposter "Syndrome" versus "Complex."
The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance - What Women Should Know - by Katty Kay and Clair Shipman - These women present research across fields, along with stories from their own careers, and strategies to beat imposter syndrome and get the job you deserve (are qualified for!)
Feminasty: The Complicated Woman's Guide to Surviving the Patriarchy without Drinking Herself to Death, by Erin Gibson - This book is outrageously witty and fiercely lays out all the B.S. alive and well in society today. The author is a force, and is also Johnathan Van Ness' hair stylist!
The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan - I picked up this book at my library because I had heard the title before somewhere, and it completely changed my perspective on how I was living my own life. Turns out it sparked the women's movement and I had no idea. A genuine must read.
Educated, By Tara Westover - This book is not directly related to the themes of Imposter Syndrome or Feminism, but about perspective taking, and the deep self-reliance. Tara went from no formal schooling to earning her Ph.D. If you are not inspired by this book, I can only assume you read it upside down.
The Secret Thoughts of Sucessful Women - Stories of competent women (wait, isn't that redundant?) who experienced imposter complex, even at the top. If you're feeling alone in your imposter brainspace, you need this book!
The Middle Finger Project - A personal favorite, obviously because the title. The author, Ash Ambirge, writes in shocking clarity. You can't look away, and you don't want to! The Middle Finger Project is not only a book, but her company that offers support for small businesses trying to do their thing. She's the ultimate antidote to the imposter monster!
Finally, if you are in need of just some wholesome, strong, real books from those who tell it like it is, check out the post,"Books for the Self" and treat yourself to some powerful memoirs of people who overcame, just like you.
I wish you well on your journey to beat the imposter monster, imposter syndrome or complex or phenomenon or just plain old unsubstantiated mean self talk.
You are capable.
You are interesting.
You are crushing it.
Yours in challenging sneaky brainthoughts,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia Says
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