Bad Mood, Watch Out
Image by Magnet.me on Unsplash
I got the Wordle in two today, but I still feel like a failure.
I keep making the grocery list based on what I think of first and not by section of the store, which makes me feel like I owe an explanation to the employee stacking the oranges about why I ping-ponged across the produce section to the deli and back as if the Capable Adult pill I slipped under my tongue after deep breaths in the car refuses to kick in.
I vacuumed and Rooba’d, but the dark vinyl floors in the apartment still look dirty. I wished they would have consulted me on flooring options back in 2016 when they constructed this building and I had no idea I was going to one day live here, obviously.
I want the coffee to work well, but not so well that I finish the task I’ve been neglecting for three weeks, feel a fleeting sense of relief, then spiral into a cleaning tornado who can organize cabinets in a flash but cannot remember to drink enough water to stave off the headache she always gets from coffee.
I wish I had better teeth, but then I remember to be grateful for the shiny laminated card in my wallet that allows me to see a dentist without going all the way broke. Now I feel like a privileged jerkface, with bad teeth.
I want to understand more about how to plan for retirement, but I do not want you to give me advice because then I will feel stupid and also I don’t like your tone (any tone).
I would like to go out for a nice dinner, but not to a place that serves my particular allergens and also, I do not want you to judge me when I ultimately throw a tantrum about how that only leaves Taco bell and that one vegan burger place that smells only of oily mushrooms.
I want to lie in bed and watch TV, but I swear to Joey Graziadei if Youtube TV plays only the Tide and Burger King commercials on repeat I will draft a very scathing letter in my head about how terrible music on repeat is a torture tactic and that I will never buy your pods or chicken sticks for that reason and also plenty of OTHER REASONS like health, etc., but MOSTLY because I will now hear the songs whenever my neurons have a spare millisecond for the next 17 days.
I filled out my absentee ballot, but all the dropoff locations are reached via highways that intimidate me and this is how the Republicans planned it, I just know.
I want you to tell me you love me, but I don’t want to have to tell you to tell me you love me. The flowers are beautiful but, more please.
I had big beautiful goals today, like do my job for 8 hours then finish one single freelance article. Not to be dramatic or anything, but now everything is totally ruined because it’s raining and dark out and I can’t do shit under only artificial lighting. It makes me sad. I’m sorry Thomas Edison or whomever you stole from, today the lightbulb isn’t cutting it.
I would like to call you to chat while I walk the dog, but I can hear that you are also multitasking by making dinner and now I feel not important and also silly in the recognition of this stupid double standard I am tightly clutching. I am annoyed at the whole thing, even though now it’s sunny.
I got excited about the idea of flying out to meet our friends for a camping trip, but then you said, “Really??” and I crashed and burned realizing two things: No, I guess I am never really excited to fly or pack or plan, even if I get to skip around in nature for a few days without showering and while playing “the floor is lava” to avoid getting poison ivy, and also that you know me so well I kind of hate it? Especially the mental clipboard log of all the flaws. The many flaws. Even though I feel seen and I love it, still hate it.
I want tacos for dinner, but now that I went to the store and set off the fire alarm and made a pile of dishes and sautéed toppings that cannot possibly all be warm at the same time, I realize that it was the idealistic task of a crazy woman who did not instead simply walk across the street to Chipotle.
I want to apply to new jobs for the fall, but I do not - and will not - work for a company that asks me to upload my resume, but won’t let me hit submit until I also type all the information FROM my resume into a hundred individual boxes.
I want to really try today and wear pants with a button or a zipper or a button AND a zipper, except that this outfit looks nothing like I envisioned and maybe I should schedule a hair appointment and go blonde and start all the way over.
I want you to know that I’m in a bad mood and to pamper me extra nice, but I also want you to ignore the bad mood and convince both me and yourself that I am both “laid back” and “chill” at all times.
Good luck to all of us.
Yours, totally chill,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
Want to work your creative brain and log some self care at the same time? Check out the downloadable Self Care Activity Pack and get your word search on, color in front of your favorite TV show, and write a letter to your past and future self.
