When Our Insides Don’t Match Our Outsides: How to Reintegrate Emotions with Actions
Our insides know the truth.
Our gut and our heart and the screaming rush of thoughts in our brain know.
It’s our outsides that often betray us, for various reasons.
Aligning our insides with our outsides is tough work and it’s the only work that can give us true peace.
Our outsides are influenced by societal expectations, self doubt, family roles and expectations, habits, and just plain discomfort avoidance.
Note: This post may contain affiliate links. If you click a link and make a purchase, I may get a commission from the advertiser. This is just one way I can monetize my blog and keep those good posts coming.
Let me illustrate this with a real life anecdote, one of many examples I could provide if we had endless time and my keyboard could withstand the force of my fingers typing away for days on end.
My Runaway Outsides
A grown man, a 50-something-year-old grown man in my family, cyber bullied me on the internet recently.
He was spewing all kinds of conspiracy theories and I decided that letting crazy go unchecked was exactly the thing that further emboldens the crazy.
So I checked him, as politely as I possibly could.
I said that I cared about his wellbeing very much and the things he was saying on the internet didn’t sound like his own thoughts. In fact, they sounded like recycled messages (AKA propaganda) and I encouraged him to take a step back and consider whether these were things he actually believed to be true or just messages he’d heard so many times that he became comfortable with them.*
*I should note, at no point did I think my comment would incite self reflection or go over positively in any way. But I’ve decided that saying nothing when something needs said is not a path I’m comfortable jogging on.
He demanded I take my comment down. I said no, citing his own statement in the post to the effect of, “I will say whatever I want. No one can tell me what I can or can’t say.”
I said that for him to ask me to hold myself to a standard to which he didn’t hold himself was silly. He continued a hateful rant. I blocked him.
You’d think that’s story over, right?
Not even a little.
I have been so disturbed by this interaction and his behavior in the months since it happened. My insides screamed, “Get as far away from this guy as you possibly can.”
So for a time, I did.
But that wasn’t hard to do considering I live a state away.
As I’m sure you can predict, the next time I saw him, my outsides betrayed my insides.
I went to a family party a few weeks ago, a party that I was aware would be lightly sprinkled with problematic men, and I coached myself on how I would respond.
I would say hello if greeted, then walk away, hopefully with a plate of mashed potatoes in hand. Or, if I was really lucky, both hands.
But when I arrived, this particular person called my name and walked across the room and raised his arms up to initiate an exaggerated embrace so quickly that before I knew it, he was standing right in front of my face, smiling.
My insides screamed “Decline! Say hello and walk away like we planned! Get to the fucking mashed potatoes!”
I barely registered this screaming as I felt my arms rise to meet his and found one of the hundreds of uncomfortable hugs I’ve participated in in my lifetime.
It’s true.
I gave that jerk who verbally harassed me on the internet a hug.
My outsides once again communicated to the world around me, “It’s all good! I’m totally okay with this, and you should be too! Nothing to see or address here! Your conscience is appeased!”
As I’m sure you can imagine, I spent the entire rest of the evening being wholly pissed off at myself about this charade.
Pissed about his attempt to pretend and perform and excuse his behavior, and my actions that allowed him to do just that.
I Lived to Hug another Day
*Enormous whole-body exhale*
I hate recounting that story, but hopefully each time you read of someone else’s crappy moments you feel a tiny bit better about yours.
It’s true, the battle to integrate my insides and my outsides has been my greatest fight in this life and it is ongoing.
If your insides are yelling, “Holy shit ME TOO,” after reading this story, I’ve put together some things below to help you try and integrate your insides with your outsides.
Let’s get to it.
Make a Plan in Advance
We can anticipate a lot of the UGH we may encounter in a given situation, so take a moment beforehand to think about how you want to respond on the outside to any expected UGH.
Note: As detailed above, sometimes the plan goes to shit, and that’s life. We’ll get to that in tip number three.
2. Use the Buddy System
Ah the buddy system!
A tried and true plan of attack for going to the bathroom on an elementary school field trip or when moving through the packed kitchen of your aunt’s house attempting to sidestep crazy like the floor is lava.
Inform a friend or family member of your plan and ask for their help in executing it. Tell your buddy to smack your arms down if you go to meet the embrace of a jerkface and pretend with gusto that you had a bee on you.
We can do hard things, but it’s hard to do hard things alone.
So, get yourself a quality buddy.
3. Give Yourself some Grace, Goddammit
When our insides and outsides consistently don’t match, it’s likely because this channel was disrupted in formative years or through repeated redirecting.
Oh? Your mom told you not to cry (outside thing) when you felt sad (inside thing)?
This uncoupling of an essential partnership of brain and body occurs over a long period of time.
So it makes sense that it will take time to reintegrate the insides and the outsides.
Let yourself feel your pissed off disappointed feelings when your insides don’t match your outsides (like I did), and breathe in and out knowing that you will try again next time.
You will live to hug, or not hug, for another day.
4. Celebrate the Emerging Partnership
When you do something on the outside that is in line with your insides, celebrate the hell out of it.
Relishing in the wins, however big or small, is essential in keeping us motivated and moving forward on our path.
So, you said “No, thank you,” when your grandma offered you green bean casserole because you know you hate that shit? YOU GO. YOU EAT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE!
Small wins, small steps, forward motion.
You got this.
Yours in forgiving reintegration,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
Looking for more inspiration? Grab yourself a guided journal!
Half book, half journal, this paperback collection of stories and pointed questions is designed to help you dig deep and shake loose those "ah-ha's" that are buried within you. Because no matter how stuck or scattered you may feel, YOU have all the answers.
The WITRI Journal contains over 75 pages that aim to foster connection back to yourself and tackle complex brainthoughts like self doubt, imposter syndrome, and self acceptance.
Build yourself up by digging into your foundation with this incredible reflective read!
This journal not only aims to support your mental wellness, but that of others as well. 50 cents from every purchase made here on our website will go to a rotating incredible cause. Right now, donations are being made to Moms Demand Action, an organization that fights for common sense gun laws.
Want to learn more about the WITRI Journal? Check out this post for a deeper dive.
You can also download a sneak peak of chapter 3 by entering your email in the footer below. Happy journaling!