The View Through the Fence: Navigating Different Choices with the Ones you Love
Boundary setting is hard on its own, but it can be even more difficult when you and your loved ones set boundaries differently.
Even when confronted with the same problem, different people may choose differently.
Maybe your aunt uses family dinnertime as a platform to shout her discomfort with LGBTQ+ rights. You may decide to engage her and share your perspective on how human rights are for all humans, and your cousin may pick up her plate and eat on the patio where there is fresh air and hopefully no bigotry.
It’s also true that boundaries can flex and change with time, personal needs or comfort levels, and maybe even healing.
Maybe a year from now your aunt privately reads books written by LGBTQ+ authors or watches documentaries that share a perspective she previously didn’t consider. You hold your breath as you sit down at the reception table at the next family wedding, bracing yourself for the fear mongering you have heard so many times, and see your aunt take a pen out of her purse and write her pronouns on her name card and gently place it on the table in front of her.
This, of course, is what we all hope will happen. That the boundaries that once stood tall might be lowered as our loved ones grow and change.
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It may also be true that your aunt doubles down on toxicity and never changes a damn thing. As she grows louder and more hateful, you may choose to no longer indulge her in this setting and maybe not invite her into your life outside of these family gatherings. Your cousin may continue to eat meals on the patio, or maybe stop coming to the dinner parties alltogether.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say we all have to navigate tricky or toxic relationships at one point or another in our lives.
Here’s a quick glance at mine…
My Particular Tricky and Toxic
I grew up in a home with a parent who was emotionally volatile.
The whiplash of love bombing, gaslighting, and infrequent but powerful breakdowns and promises to never do XYZ again demanded all of my energy as a young human.
After years of feeling completely consumed by this vortex and seeing how far down it had taken me, I decided to turn around, force my way against the current, and start walking away.
My sister, however, chose differently.
We both understand deeply the impact of the emotional and psychological abuse that we endured as children, but as adults we have built different boundaries.
I chose to hop the fence and walk away. She chose to stay and change her expectations for the relationship.
When he calls her to talk negatively about a family member she loves or explain away bad behavior, she reminds him that she will not tolerate this type of conversation. When he asks her to visit out of state, she declines and offers to meet for a dinner the next time he is in town instead. When he calls me, I decline the call.
It is difficult to be on opposite sides of the same fence, looking at each other as if to say “Please, come to my side. Things are okay here and I hate being on my side alone.”
This past weekend, my sister and I drove home from a dinner with family who were visiting from out of town and we named this unspoken wedge between us. We opened the floor to ideas on just how exactly to exist on our opposite sides of the fence, but together.
We pulled in the driveway from our dinner and stayed put in the car, talking for another hour and coming up with ideas that could allow us to hold hands through the fence.
After I decided to go no-contact with my dad nearly five years ago, the shockwaves reverberated throughout my family.
I got tearful phone calls imploring me to forgive and forget, though I had forgiven. Forgiveness just didn’t mean proceeding as normal to me.
I got texts of shock and support, thanking me for being a model on how to shake loose from expectations of playing a role when the role was crushing.
In the time since, I have transitioned from traumatized and silent to a persona of laid back and healed. When people joke about him, I joke too.
I describe this as making fun of an ex after you break up with them, saying things like, “Oh my gosh I can’t believe I dated him, he liked the yellow Starburst for crying out loud!”
But the conversation with my sister made me realize something. Actually, many somethings.
First, I am not fully healed, but I am allowing myself to be perceived this way to make others comfortable and to allow myself to believe that past pains no longer hurt.
Second, I am doing a disservice to all victims of domestic violence by making light of something that devastated me for the first 20+ years of my life. And more specifically, I’m dismissing my sister’s ongoing pain by participating in the joking.
Our talk was teary and productive. Here’s where we landed:
I am going to trade comfort for honesty and advocacy. When others joke, I will acknowledge that humor can help assuage hurt, while emphasizing that the hurt was real and impacted myself and my family significantly.
If my sister wants to talk about my dad, she will ask me first if I’m in a place to hear it. After all, I walked away for a reason, but my sister is my sister. This will help us balance being there for each other while both maintaining the boundaries that make us most comfortable.
We will always consider the other side and acknowledge when the other person is in pain without trying to advocate for our side of the fence. We trust each other to make the best decisions for our own selves, and will always emphasize “I see you. I know this sucks. I’m here to for a hug when you need it. I respect your side of the fence.”
Your Tricky and Toxic Thing
Everyone has or has had a relationship that feels draining, or patterns that repeat without end.
We all have to make choices on what boundaries best serve us and how we can live our lives with the people we love, while also loving ourselves and our limits.
Take a minute to call to mind your tricky or toxic thing.
What boundaries do you currently have in place around that thing? Are they working for you? If they aren’t working for you, how might you change them to better support your life?
What impact might your boundaries with one person or group of people have on your other relationships? How can you find balance to meet your needs and find understanding with others?
In life, there are usually no easy answers.
As Glennon Doyle puts it, sometimes you just have to choose which hard choice is the right kind of hard for you.
Give yourself the space to grow and change and revisit expectations and receive feedback and give feedback to others.
We are all navigating this big weird life together, even if we may be on different sides of the same fence.
Yours in navigating tricky together,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
Recommended Reads
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Here are some books related to this post that I recommend:
Untamed, by Glennon Doyle
Educated, by Tara Westover
Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl Strayed
Grab the Guided Journal
If you are looking for more brain-bending questions and inspirational anecdotes, get yourself a copy of Write it to Right it: The Guided Journal for Serious People with Scattered Brainthoughts.
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