What is Self Acceptance and How Do I Get it?
There are many fluffy feel-good concepts out there about how to love ourselves as we are, and experience true self acceptance. Worn-out phrases like, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself." Or the ever-elusive, "Just be yourself."
I personally like the loving face-slap that is this quote: "We don't have to wait until we are on our deathbed to realize what a waste of our precious lives it is to carry the belief that something is wrong with us." - Tara Brach.
And this last one hits the nail on the head for me, "The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." A big thank you to C.G. Jung for that doozy.
To accept ourselves, we must first know ourselves.
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To know ourselves we must spend time honestly evaluating, reflecting, and welcoming the truth of our imperfections. And that is some work.
We don't have to wait. We can know and accept and like and love ourselves this very minute. Even if it's one small step forward through vulnerability - the world's most treacherous and worthy mountain range.
What is Self Acceptance?
According to the professionals, self acceptance means that we are able to "embrace all facets of ourselves—not just the positive, more 'esteem-able' parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses or limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves."
But what is it really?
That, my friend, is up to you.
To me, self acceptance means noticing the pit in my stomach when I am feeling unworthy or unhappy with my me-ness, and exhaling a big reminder that I need to honor my me.
For example, a friend might ask me if I want to go to an amusement park for the day and ride roller coasters (they're called amusement parks, right?). The pit in my stomach appears, because I know that roller coasters give me mad debilitating vertigo, but I wish I could be a person without this physical limitation and not disappoint my friend.
To travel from feeling the pit to feeling relieved and affirmed and supported, I can respond with something like "No thanks, roller coasters give me vertigo, but I'd love to grab a drink with you and hear about it when you get back!"
And poof, the pit is gone.
I don't feel bad for being me, and my friend doesn't have to feel bad for spending the day giving me ice water and positive affirmations while I recover from a roller coaster ride I did not want to go on.
Self acceptance is a feeling for me. A feeling I can usually recognize in direct response to a negative feeling when I am not being self accepting. AKA, sensing the pit, and then feeling the pit float away when I honor my actual real self.
Growing Up Awkward - Saying it Like it is
Of course, self acceptance means many things other than accepting your likes and dislikes, or your responses to being spun upside down next to screaming strangers at 60+ miles per hour at Cedar Point for that matter.
Self acceptance can also be physical, mental, and emotional.
Since the creation of the internet intended to connect us all (and I believe it still can and does), we have access to witness so many other people's lives and circumstances. Lives that are curated "for the 'gram."
I grew up in the 90s and 2000s when straight hair and a flat stomach was the thing.
I had curly hair, an overbite that was thankfully corrected by several rounds of orthodontia, and asked for an AbLounger for my birthday when I was maybe 11. I did not use it. It made me dizzy. That is a different story.
But from this story you can tell that I absolutely did not like myself, and I know my growing-up-awkward story is not unique.
Even though I wanted to look like all the girls in Seventeen Magazine (or Brittany Spears, let's just be fully honest here), the girls who I thought did look "perfect" - who had all the things I didn't - often told me they wished their hair could curl like mine.
I legitimately thought they were lying.
That all the compliments I received were because people knew I couldn't get my hair to straighten, and they felt bad for me enough to toss me this compliment.
While this compliment didn't cure me of my rejection of my me-ness in pursuit of the ideal, it did help me second-guess the single-lane beauty standards I was aiming for.
How to "Get There" and Keep Getting There on the Road to Self Acceptance
Self acceptance is a long road with many pit-stops and flat tires.
It is also a road with show-stopping scenic views into what wholeness could feel like. Cue the feeling of "I am amazing" while singing at the top of your lungs in the car on the best hair day of your life.
I've told this story here and there, but it's worth saying again.
When I got to college, my freshman roommate was volleying very normal get-to-know-you questions my way, and I had no idea how to answer. I felt like I had only floated there, and I forgot to finish my build-a-person kit before I arrived.
My coping mechanism when I was growing up was to hunker down, to turn off and "wait it out." I waited it all out, even the good things. I did not practice self acceptance, because I was uncomfortable in my life circumstances as well as my looks and personality. I wore sweatpants nearly everyday and read books in my room to pass the hours until graduation.
So I started from scratch, and got a Pinterest. (Stick with me here, this is a real story even though it sounds like a joke). I pinned all the things that spoke to me, from hair styles to home decor, until I could finally answer her questions and present her with a real complete human friend.
I started following people on Twitter and Instagram that were inspiring to me - not necessarily in their looks, but in their words, actions, and life stories. I started to search for people who exemplified wholeness and self love and esteem and acceptance, so that I could understand how it looked and replicate it in my own self.
Holding Up the Mirror
Now, think of the thing (or things) that you find hardest to accept about yourself, and ask yourself this question:
What would you do if that thing never changed?
How would your life look if that thing never changed even one bit. Would you still want to spend your time in life wishing it away, or would you feel relieved that since you can't change it, you don't try to in the first place?
That right there is some food for thought.
What, if anything, are these questions stirring up in your own brain and body? Do you feel comfortable in your you-ness, or are you actively still climbing the mountain through self doubt or even shame?
How can you take the next step to build and validate your you? Are there scenarios or situations you recognize feeling like your self-acceptance has gone out the window? How can you plan ways to support yourself in those situations, or avoid those situations altogether?
The road to self acceptance is not straight. Obstacles abound.
But you have a strong and knowing core, and you can find your way back to yourself over and over again until you never leave her in the first place.
One thing I've learned in re-launching and growing this blog, is that no one has your voice, and that in itself is your powerhouse strength.
And I get it, the journey is tiring.
But, you simply have to wade through the muddy waters and work your quads up steep emotional and mental mountains to reach self-acceptance, because it's worth it.
Yours in learned self-acceptance,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
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Grab the Guided Journal
If you are looking for more brain-bending questions and inspirational anecdotes, get yourself a copy of Write it to Right it: The Guided Journal for Serious People with Scattered Brainthoughts. You can also download a sneak peak of chapter 3 by entering your email in the footer below. Happy journaling!