Vulnerability - What it is and Why We Need it

What is Vulnerability, and Why Does it Matter?

For those of you wondering - no, vulnerability does not mean oversharing.

It also doesn't mean telling your tightly held life experiences to someone and allowing them to dismiss you.

It means hearing the question, "How are you?" And hesitating before answering with, "I'm fine."

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It's listening and knowing yourself, and engaging with the world authentically.

It's giving yourself the gift of true connection with others, and the opportunity to receive what you really need.

So how do we live authentically and vulnerably, in order to be true participants in the human experience?

Or an even bigger question - why would we want to?

What Is Gained from Vulnerability

In short - everything.

We gain freedom from secrets. We gain true connection with others through our shared experiences. And, we gain authenticity - a feeling of being aligned with our projected self and our true self.

As humans, we have basic needs.

In addition to food, water, and shelter, we need belonging. We need connection to our fellow humans to survive and thrive.

Examples of Vulnerability in Action

How do you practice vulnerability? Just ask Dax.

Through his Armchair Expert podcast, Dax Shepard fosters vulnerable conversations with celebrities and experts alike to bring value and understanding to the listeners (shout out to all the fellow Armcherries!). Dax recently released an episode on the podcast called, "Day 7,' and it is truly worth a listen.

On the podcast, he regularly and openly shares about his years living as an addict, and the childhood traumas that played a role. What is an even more powerful example, is his vulnerability real-time.

Dax recently got into a motorcycle accident that resulted in a sobriety relapse with painkillers. He had (has) 16 years of sobriety fighting a cocaine and alcohol addiction that he describes as threatening his life.

When he released the intimate "Day 7" episode on September 25th, 2020, he was on day 7 of his restarted sobriety timeline.

That is vulnerability - leveling with those who are hearing your story and digging up the muck to honor the reality of your struggle.

To hear someone - especially a well-known someone - describe what it is like to have done his work, and need to restart doing his work, is a powerful glimpse into the connection and understanding that only living vulnerably can offer.

It's easy to maintain our projected images of our successful selves. It is hard to dig down and allow your cracks to see the light.

Through accepting his struggles and laying them out for his family, Dax was given freedom from disconnect, personal secrets, and shame, and gained help from others who did not know what he needed until he told them.

Through being vulnerable, he opened himself up to a wide community ready to love and support him. He also set an example of how things could be to those struggling with similar addictions.

Day 7 stands as a beautiful example that the outcomes we fear - rejection, anger, disappointment, lack of understanding - will not likely be reality when we share our true selves.

Most people are good, and most people will respond to vulnerability with love, because that's the world we all want.

Brene Brown - The Queen of Vulnerability

Has Brene been knighted yet? Deemed a living saint? Does anyone have the stats on this?

If you don't know Dr. Brene Brown, buckle up for the realest lesson in strength through vulnerability that you've ever received.

Before I was introduced to her in graduate school (not in real life, but like - her books), I felt like I had little control over most situations - especially the ones stewing inside my own brain.

Now that I've taken an extended bubble bath in her words, the world and the people in it make sense.

I have a foundation of answers to rest on, and my brain feels like a safer place for me to spend time.

In her Ted Talk and Netflix Special, along with her books (linked individually at the end of the article if you want to grab yourself one of the works of this unicorn), Brene artfully - and with data- outlines our basic human needs and how to meet them.

She not only researches abstract topics like vulnerability and belonging, but she educates corporations on how to generate more creativity among their employees by establishing an environment that supports vulnerability.

At work!

Being vulnerable is the only way to invite understanding into your life.

To be understood by others, and yourself, you need to dig deep and scoop out the inner muck and lay it in the sun.

When you attend to the muck, you have space for self love, for connection, and for growth.

Why is it So Hard to Be Vulnerable?

Spoiler alert! Vulnerability is not easy.

Exposing our perceived weaknesses can make us feel like we need to go on the offensive to protect ourselves from attack.

Trusting others with the most sensitive parts of you is hard work, and it's the surest way to you get out of the muck.

To live vulnerably is to do so in support of yourself - out of your own need for authenticity.

You may also feel hesitant to be vulnerable if you're not sure how well your "vulnerability comfort level" matches up with another's.

Let me illustrate this with a personal story (voila, my specialty!):

I once worked as a home-based behavior therapist for a student with Autism. I was only on his team for a few months before I left for grad school and he made a move with his family to another state shortly thereafter.

I so badly wanted to tell his family to keep in touch - that I would love to be a penpal or to stop by the bakery they were hoping to open one day.

But, I didn't.

I played a loop in my head that sounded like this: "You can't ask them to keep your phone number, that's unprofessional." "If you say you want to keep in touch, they will think you're creepy." "You were just a therapist, don't act like they think you're a friend."

It. Was. Some. Muck.

But, there was a better ending on this one.

Want to hear how this story resurfaced in my life?

After five years, I got a text message. The student, we'll call him Grant, was turning 25 and I, along with his many other team members over the years, was invited to wish him a happy birthday over a group Zoom call.

In the message, his father wrote, "He remembers EVERYBODY, and would love to see you again!"

I was thrilled, and I felt so cruddy at the same time. (Welcome to the human condition I guess!)

To know that my vulnerability level matched up with theirs the whole time, and we both decided to sit in the muck, broke my heart.

Maybe they also had a loop, and maybe it looked like this: "We can't ask to keep in touch, that's creepy." "Maybe she only saw this as a job and doesn't see us as friends." "Maybe she'll report us to the agency as weirdos and we'll lose the help."

Be vulnerable, and be ready to receive the good things coming.

How Can You Start Showing Up more Vulnerably?

Start by being honest with yourself.

Build a comfort level with vulnerability by practicing with your friends. The next time your best friend asks what is on your mind, tell them.

Note how that feels.

Then do it again.

You deserve a life lived authentically, and you deserve to receive what you need.

Yours in practicing vulnerability in the everyday,

Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia

Grab the Guided Journal

If you are looking for more brain-bending questions and inspirational anecdotes, get yourself a copy of Write it to Right it: The Guided Journal for Serious People with Scattered Brainthoughts.

You can also download a sneak peak of chapter 3 by entering your email in the footer below. Happy journaling!

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Empathy and Absorbed Trauma: How to Stay an Effective Healer - Empathy is important, and so is your energy.

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