How to Find A Therapist You Actually Like
I recently received an email from a reader about my previous article, "Let's Talk About Therapy."
It made me realize that there is so much more to share with you about how to actually find a therapist that you feel like is "your person." So let's dive in!
Here's the email I received:
"I loved your therapy (article?) about finding the right person. I have tried 3 over the years and while I've had some growth I haven't found my person. You've inspired me to try again! In your opinion, should I start with finding a well reviewed office or person....or just give a random place a try because my person could be anywhere?"
This one of the hardest parts of any journey (other than the spilling your guts part and putting in the work toward healing).
You've tried a few therapists, but haven't felt like you're getting much out of therapy yet and you aren't really "clicking" with them.
Let me tell you from experience, this totally sucks.
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Let's dive into advice on how to find a therapist you actually like, as well as set your expectations for barriers you may encounter along the way.
So, How do You Find Your Person?
Let me start by saying, I have had 6 therapists so far and loved 2 of them - so the odds were certainly not amazing for me either.
I found my first amazing therapist because I was talking to a friend (this was back in high school) about needing a new therapist and she recommended me to hers! I found my #2 while in grad school, and she was randomly assigned to me from the counseling center at school, so that was just luck.
It’s tricky to find a therapist because we often feel comfortable asking for recommendations for so many things like, “Does anyone know a good HVAC person?” But not when we're trying to find a therapist, which is bananas to me!
My Recommendations to Find a Therapist You Like
Like I've said, I started therapy when I was in high school and have sat in many an armchair to work my shit out.
I've met plenty of therapists that I didn't jive with, and I've also had some great ones who helped push me in a great direction.
Here's the advice I can impart on you while you search for one of the great ones:
Ask your circle
You never know who you might find! If you’re comfortable asking some friends (or asking your friends to ask their friends), you could start getting some pretty good names - even if it’s advice like “Oh my gosh definitely DON'T go to this person.”
Not exactly a lead in the right direction, but that advice will save you time, money, and the emotional exhaustion of a million intake sessions just to get to know the person.
Narrow down your no-no’s
I'm just gonna say it: in this circumstance, don’t feel crappy about ruling people out.
Therapy is for you and we all have our issues, so it’s okay if you know what’s going to be the best situation for you to grow in (or what would not be).
For example, I’ve never had a male therapist.
I can’t even fathom it, because I know I’d take everything the wrong way and just project that I’m being harshly judged even if I’m not, or that he is somehow manipulating me.
I also have a hard time with older therapists, because I sometimes feel like I’m not being taken seriously, which again is a projection, but I know what holds back my progress and those are my no-no’s.
Be honest with yourself and your personal triggers, and make your list.
It might make you feel like a crappy person, but so does sitting in therapy for weeks in front of a person you know you can't relax around because of your own baggage.
Availability
If I can’t be seen by someone until 3 months from now, I’m moving down the list to the next name.
This might be tricky right now with scheduling difficulties from Covid-19, but if you still need to see someone, you need to see someone. One resource I keep hearing great things about is Talkspace*, which is a teletherapy service.
I personally enjoy in-person therapy (I need that Armchair and that fish tank), but you might prefer online therapy to start with, or to stay with!
It could be a great option as you look around for an “in-person” person, or you may absolutely love the flexibility and decide to stick to this format.
Again, therapy is for you!
*I have not personally used Talkspace yet. My recommendation is based on things I've heard from friends and online reviews, not personal experience in this particular case.
Try Someone
Ultimately, if you want to start therapy and feel like you haven't found a great option from researching yet, you just have to try someone.
Pick one of the options, and make the appointment.
Give yourself immense grace to know that you might not like them and need to start all over - and that doesn't mean you failed.
Finding a therapist can be an exhausting process, but it can also be amazing!
So, Why Does it Feel Impossible to Find a Therapist?
Like I said, the process of finding a therapist you jive with can feel completely draining.
To help you feel fully prepared, here is a list of some common barriers you might face:
Insurance
It goes without saying, navigating finding a therapist with (or without) insurance can be a stressful experience. You might have someone recommended to you, but this person is not covered by your insurance. Or maybe you don't have insurance at all.
The good news is, therapists are therapists because they like to help people (or at least they should be!). Many of them may offer a sliding scale fee, or "pay what you can."
This can help to bring you on as a client without the added stressor of maxing out your bank account.
Also, the therapist you found might be covered by your insurance, but the insurance may have a limit on how many sessions they'll cover.
With many of my insurance plans in the past, I've found that 10 sessions seems to be a magic number that insurance companies decide to cover.
It puts immense pressure on clients from the get-go to feel like, "Okay, now I need to make sure I have fixed all my problems in 10 sessions."
It can suck, there's no other way to say it.
Availability
The availability of a therapist to take on new clients can be another challenge.
They may be covered by your insurance and seem like they would be a great match for you, but they don't have an appointment for a new client for months.
It goes without saying, this also sucks.
It could also be that there isn't a therapist you like anywhere near where you live - which sucks too. This is where the Talkspace or other tele-therapy services might be a good place to start.
You could also use tele-therapy as a "fill in" if you feel like you need to start therapy now, but still want your person to ultimately be in-person.
Decoding therapy-speak
You're doing your research, trying to narrow down a good fit for a therapist, and you have no clue what the types of therapy mean.
What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you ask? Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? Psychodynamic? Yeah - it can be a lot.
The Better Help website (another tele-therapy provider) has a great resource on understanding the different types of therapy. I personally love CBT, and many therapists list multiple frameworks.
When it comes down to it, your relationship with the therapist is really the best gauge of your experience in therapy - not necessarily the framework.
Do some research, but try not to overwhelm yourself here! Read into the person's background and areas of expertise to help make your decision too.
Time
Making time to research a therapist, learn about your insurance, go to the first appointment, and potentially look for another therapist is straight up daunting. Especially when you want to go to therapy because you're struggling, this process can feel like it's adding to the struggle.
If you're having a hard time dedicating the time, consider asking a loved one or friend to help you look or call for appointment availability.
At the end of the day, spending this time to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with is well worth it.
The Good News is, You Got This
Like I said, finding a therapist can be daunting. Make sure to put in place a reliable self care routine while you embark on the therapy journey as well!
As always, share this post with friends or fam that can use the tips, and feel free to leave a comment on this if you have more questions.
I hope that this post helped you to feel prepared to start the search for your therapist "person," and you feel confident navigating any barriers that pop up.
You got this!
Yours in determination,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
Recommended Reads
If you love both reading and the environment, you are going to love BetterWorldBooks.
BetterWorldBooks donates one book to someone in need for every book sold! They also funds literacy campaigns and offer a large collection of used books to save you cash while saving some trees in the process!
I highly recommend checking their collection of books first before searching on Amazon because let’s be honest, Jeff doesn’t need your money.
Here are some titles related to this post that I recommend:
Life Will be the Death of Me, by Chelsea Handler
Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl Strayed
Grab the Guided Journal
If you are looking for more brain-bending questions and inspirational anecdotes, get yourself a copy of Write it to Right it: The Guided Journal for Serious People with Scattered Brainthoughts.
You can also download a sneak peak of chapter 3 by entering your email in the footer below. Happy journaling!
Check out these Related Posts
Let’s Talk about Therapy - An in-depth perspective of what it's like to go to therapy, addressing expectations, and tips for getting the most of of your experience.
How to Manage Anxiety - Find ways to manage your anxiety in your daily routine, sleep routine, and in the moments when anxiety or panic sets in.
The Path Forward is there, Even if You Can’t See it - The path emerges only as you walk it. Check out this post for lessons learned on the path of life, and how to take the first blind step forward.
The Inspirational Quote that Pissed Me Off, then Changed My Life - Sometimes the things we need to hear don’t always come in the nicest packages, but we need them all the same.