How to Fire Your Therapist (Politely)
Photo by @leuchtturm_entertainment on Unsplash
In a previous article, How to Find a Therapist You Actually Like, I noted that it often takes some trial and error to find a therapist that you feel is a good fit for you, but I didn’t elaborate on exactly what to do when your current therapist isn’t a good fit.
The question, “How can I fire my therapist?” has been asked of me several times and I decided it was about time I answered it to everyone instead of just my friends who whisper it to me as if asking
1: for permission to do the thing they already want to do and/or
2: just how to go about it.
At first, I was admittedly confused by the question “What do I do if I don’t really like my therapist or I feel like they’re not really helping?” because to me, if you don’t like your dentist or financial advisor or landscaper, it feels like a no brainer to move on and try someone else.
But here’s what seems to make changing therapists feel different -
1: Those of us who seek therapy in the first place tend to be very self-reflective and often concerned how our decisions or behavior can impact others (not inherently bad qualities!) and
2: After seeking and finding an insurance-approved therapist who is also accepting new clients, waiting however long for the intake appointment, and investing time and emotional energy to give them a real shot, the idea of starting over feels…not fun.
But here’s the deal, the best predictor for a positive outcome in therapy isn’t how many years of experience the therapist has or what therapeutic strategies they use (for the most part) or even how much of an expert they are in your particular area of concern, it’s the strength of the client-therapist relationship. That is number 1.
So if you don’t feel like you have a solid professional relationship with your therapist, it may be time to move on to another provider.
How do You Decide if It’s Time to Change Therapists?
It is normal to be unsure of how long to wait for things to improve or second guess yourself about the nature of your concerns. Here are a few ideas to bring you closer to clarity:
First, express your concerns. If the reason that you are not vibing with your therapist is something potentially changeable (you want them to offer more insight or recommendations/ you feel like you are doing all the talking and not walking away with many strategies to try, etc.), give them a shot at receiving feedback and making adjustments that might work better for you. As well-trained as they are, therapists still can’t read minds. Sometimes, it really can be as easy as just asking for what you need.
If you do decide to give feedback and in the next session it is apparent they have either forgotten or ignored your requests, it might be time to move on. If you are a third-chance person, you can remind them of your feedback if you want, but ultimately their lack of attention to your request is a pretty good indicator that they either haven’t taken the time to consider your expressed needs or they are unable to fulfill them.
If your concerns are something that are likely unchangeable (your therapist has an upsettingly similar face to your former shitty boyfriend and you can’t really absorb anything they say because you keep picturing that one time your ex ate a hoagie on your white couch), it’s okay to decide to take the L and move on to a new one.
I’ve Made My Decision, Now How Do I Break Up with My Therapist?
This is a conversation best had outside of session. Before you talk with your therapist, either via email or over the phone, have a plan for your decided outcome.
Are you willing to share with them that you’d like to change to a new provider and hear them out if they propose changes? Or do you know that you’re ready to start fresh with someone else and are past the problem-solving stage?
Consider also if you like the practice as a whole and would like to request a referral to a different practitioner or if you plan to go somewhere else entirely.
Either way, your therapist should be neutral and understanding of your request to change therapists, since your wellbeing is the first priority. If they are not, it’s simply another indicator that you made the right choice to move on.
You may choose to email your therapist or leave them a voicemail asking for a callback to discuss your treatment plan. When you finally have the talk, it is okay to express your needs while expressing respect for them as a professional (“I need ___ and I understand that your style is more ___”).
If the “It’s not you it’s me” doesn’t feel true and the problem is them (maybe they have the personality of a wet saltine or their office always smells like old bananas and fish food), you don’t have to fluff their pillows and can instead emphasize that while you appreciate the time they have invested in your sessions, you are nonetheless in search of a better fit.
If there are major ethical concerns that are the reason for your lack of confidence in your current therapist, there are also ways to make reports to their supervisor or licensing board like the American Psychological Association, etc.
The best way to provide feedback can be as easy as the “Compliment Sandwich.” Here is how to assemble this delicious staple:
Step 1, bottom layer of bread - “I really appreciate the time you have spent working with me in our sessions.”
Step 2, meat and/or cheese - “It’s important to me to be honest and I have decided to change to a different provider to help me continue moving forward toward my goals in therapy.”
Step 3, top bread - “I am hopeful that you understand I respect your expertise and abilities as a therapist, and that finding the best fit is what is most important to me at this time.”
And that’s it!
No worrying that they will be a mess of lonely tortilla chip crumbs at the bottom of the bag because you shared your needs respectfully. They have colleagues to lean on.
No wondering if you made the right call or hoping desperately that they received everything in the way you intended. You are not in control of that (if you are feeling this way intensely, best to make a note to talk to your next - hopefully kickass- therapist about your codependent tendencies. All love, no judge!)
If it helps, remember that you are in a paying exchange. You aren’t kicking out your best friend from your Super Bowl party because she had the audacity to bring a vegan spinach artichoke dip and also didn’t return that one DVD you lent her in 2007.
At the end of the day, having honest conversations or providing feedback to others can be hard. But, it’s also a necessary part of adulting and self-advocating.
You may stress-sweat through your undies while you talk or type it all out to your therapist, but you’ll be glad you did it and you’ll be even more prepared for the next time you have to have a hard conversation (because there will always be a next time).
Now, onward! You can do this.
Yours in hard conversations and whole-cheese dips,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
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