Comparison Chatter Keeps You Stuck
You’ve probably heard the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” by Theodore Roosevelt. Or how about “The grass is always greener on the other side?”
There are countless quotes out there that aim to warn us about the quicksand that is comparing ourselves to others, and yet comparison often comes as naturally as breathing.
I am one of those people who has to constantly remind herself that comparison is not a good use of time and that everyone’s journey is different.
But wow it that hard to do that sometimes.
I have officially reached the age where many of my friends are getting married and having babies.
I, on the other hand, am not married and I don’t have babies or even the inkling that I truly want babies, and it is hard to shake the feeling that I’m somehow being “lapped” in life.
The rational part of my brain claps back to this feeling with, “You know that life isn’t a race, so stop worrying about it!”
Then the emotional side of my brain responds with, “Yeah, but I don’t want to miss out on anything.”
This tug-of-war is similar to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), except that the thing you’re missing out on or comparing your experience to is something you’re not even sure you actually want anyway.
And don’t forget all the other outside pressures like milestone birthdays (I see you, 30. Cool it.) and receiving the message that your relationship is not as valid when you open that wedding invitation and that there’s no plus one listed for your boyfriend.
How do we fight comparison when the rational thinking, emotional feeling, and societal messaging are all chattering away with their opinions all dang day long?
I don’t have an exact answer for this one, but I do of course have a story and an idea.
Oh Wait, I Was Just Jealous
So now that you’re up to date on all the comparison chatter in my head, you have some context for the story I’m about to share.
I recently traveled to Boston to visit family, the star of the show being my nearly three year-old sister.
After staying with my family for a week, I’d had an inside scoop of what this particular “grass on the other side,” having a baby, might be like.
I colored Peppa Pig coloring pages, wiped marker and milk off more surfaces that I can count, negotiated with my sis to put pants on, searched endlessly for the “right” cup or dolly, moved from puzzles to Barbies to Play Doh at a dizzying pace, and laughed and ran from room to room for seven beautifully chaotic days.
Because I was immersed in this baby-having world, I got to actually pop the growing comparison bubble that was taking up so much space in my brain: I am actually super not ready to have kids, as rewarding and loving and hilarious as they are, I was just jealous.
I was jealous that my friends were having experiences that I wasn’t having, but I realized that those experiences (yet or maybe ever) weren’t for me.
I was worried that my friendships would change if I didn’t follow suit and get engaged or have a kid or two.
I was fearful that if I didn’t start doing the thing that seemingly everyone does at my age, that I wouldn’t do it.
I was very much living in comparison. Spending much more time looking at the world around me than looking at the world within myself.
After this revelation, I felt a mix of emotions. The loudest of which were relief and gratitude.
I was relieved and grateful that I could quiet this particular chatter by realizing what actually feels true for me.
Finding What is True to You
We don’t always get to take a test drive of the other side to understand what it’s really like and find out how it might feel in our own life.
We have to trust ourselves to experience all the thoughts, emotions, and societal messages and take a deep breath, then dig into what feel true to us.
What do you want if all the outside messages were stripped away?
If that is too difficult a question to answer and you don’t have the ability to “test drive” what you’re coveting like I did, consider window shopping.
Yeah, you heard me! I get it, that sounds weird, but think about this example: For people who are trying to decide whether or not to get a dog, the advice often given is to talk to your friends who have dogs, maybe price out the cost of having a dog, and dog sit for a family member when they are out of town.
Sometimes we can gain clarity from this “window shopping” or “test driving” so to speak, when we really aren’t sure if we want something because we want it, or because of fears or beliefs.
So ask yourself, what are you comparing yourself to these days?
How can you dig in and find out if this is something you truly want, or if it’s something you think you should want?
The right answer is the one that feels like an exhale and a smile.
The wrong answer is the one that feels like a “should.”
The Grass is Green for One Reason or Another
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.
But it might be greener because it’s astroturf, or manicured with care for 15 hours each and every week, or grown with an expensive grass seed made of unicorn dandruff and you sure as shit can’t afford that.
Take a breath.
Have a laugh.
Look at the world inside of you for answers to the big questions.
Yours in dialing down the comparison chatter,
Emily Rose // Miss Magnolia
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